Nobody remains unaffected by mental health struggles. Yet, when you or a loved one experiences it, it might frequently seem like you’re isolated in obscurity, seeking a glimmer of hope. To honor World Mental Health Day, we are curating a collection of narratives, starting now and continuing through the weekend, that delve into this subject from a personal viewpoint. We aspire for these essays to provide an understanding into the various manners people contend with such issues, and how they can emerge with poise and dignity.
During my six-week pregnancy, I went on a hike with an acquaintance. Midway up the hill, I halted to catch my breath. I knew what I wanted to communicate but felt difficulty articulating it. A heavy knot of apprehension formed in my stomach.
“I have some news,” I mentioned to her. “I’m pregnant.”
My friend was overjoyed. She began leaping and yelling in glee. I forced a smile but as she hugged me, my expression faltered. My lips felt as heavy as if they were 50 pounds. I forgot the proper way to smile. I prolonged the embrace longer so she wouldn’t notice my face and inquire about my distress.
But, what was the issue? I was wed, had a satisfying profession, was in good health, and now would become a mother. I ought to have been exhilarated about being pregnant; I had long desired a child. Why did I feel dreadful?
Prenatal depression overcame me swiftly. One night I retired feeling eager for a baby. The following morning, I awoke no longer wanting a child. A gloomy cloud of anxiety overshadowed me. It seemed like I had just received distressing news.
In that initial week, I rescinded plans and spent afternoons curled on the sofa. Then, I ceased responding to emails and checking my phone. I persuaded myself that I was just fatigued or feeling nauseous. While driving home one day on the highway, my eyes lingered on the concrete barrier. Would it truly be terrible, I pondered, if I just drove into it? At least then, I wouldn’t have to endure these feelings anymore. In that instant, the notion of never awakening again seemed like relief.