Archives 2023

A widely accepted truth holds that any dedicated rom-com enthusiast must seek a Laura Dern-gets-her-groove-back type of movie, and Netflix has precisely fulfilled this expectation with Lonely Planet. This new production by Erin Brockovich scriptwriter Susannah Grant stars Dern as a writer who travels to Morocco for a writing retreat and encounters a charming young man named Liam Hemsworth (or whatever his name is in the flick; I’ll refer to him as Liam Hemsworth). Fans of May-December romance, take note! Let’s embark on this journey, shall we?

1. When a film opens with that familiar “ding” sound one hears on an aircraft, you know the main character is venturing out.
2. In a literal sense.
3. We are nearing Marrakech, Morocco!
4. Thus far, no appearance of the Global South yellow filter, thankfully.
5. Laura Dern! Her voice echoing her “ISAIDTHANKYOOOOOOOU” from Big Little Lies resonates within me every time I spot her.
6. Sheep! Blocking the path! Though not as thrilling as seeing Laura Dern, still quite fascinating.
7. Oh dear, Laura Dern’s luggage is missing.
8. Opting out of a press trip’s first-night dinner due to fatigue is highly relatable, indeed.
9. Just teasing! Please don’t overlook me for future press trips, media influencers!
10. Look, it’s Liam Hemsworth! Accompanied by a significant other! Not Laura Dern, though!
11. The shirt he’s donned is dangerously henley-like, but a second glance reveals it’s a polo.
12. Sounds like Laura Dern is entrenched in a challenging divorce, or perhaps it concluded already? Either way, some man is quite irate with her.
13. Let’s dive into the spirit of Eat Pray Love, dear friend!
14. Actually, maybe we should bypass the “pray” part.
15. Diana Silvers as anyone’s romantic prospect besides Kaitlyn Dever does bother me.
16. Her chunky highlights, however, are quite appealing, I must admit.
17. So is Liam Hemsworth a fellow writer? Or just unusually supportive of his partner?
18. A guy who dismisses an Ambien because of a scheduled call? No fun! Leave him!
19. Not clear what this call entails, but I gather it bears significance.
20. Oh, Liam and Laura are encountering one another!
21. Remarkably, even their names complement each other nicely.
22. An irritating journalist on a press trip? That’s me!
23. “I see your face in bed a lot,” followed by the girlfriend revelation? Really, Liam!
24. This statement evokes SATC’s Sam Jones’ grievance with men boasting about their girlfriends promptly. We get it, dude!
25. My goodness, this village is idyllic.
26. Laura Dern is tailor-made for quoting Flaubert in a film.
27. Liam, with his four sisters, clearly marks himself as a Decent Person.
28. Sorry, my newly adopted puppy was causing chaos, so I missed the narrative foundation of Laura and Liam’s meet-cute, though things seem to be evolving smoothly.
29. Oh, Diana Silvers, Liam’s girlfriend, is an ardent admirer of Laura’s works. Intriguing.
30. Laura, do not travel (especially not overseas) if a touch of background yelling discomforts you!
31. Perhaps I’m just complacent, having accustomed myself to writing amidst the clamor of Real Housewives of Salt Lake City, to be fair.
32. Oh, fascinating, Liam’s career involves…coal extraction, somehow.
33. “Clean coal,” LOL.
34. You writerly women out there, heed this advice: Refrain from bringing your extraction-industry boyfriend to a retreat, or he will be rightfully excoriated by all the socialists.
35. Poor Laura parted with a farmhouse post-divorce?
36. Laura released her debut novel during college? Zadie Smith-esque!
37. Laura sharply critiquing Liam for his prior high school athletic jock persona is immensely satisfying and captivating to witness.
38. I’m aware Liam posed the question “Why can’t you finish your book at home?” to Laura, but as someone who splurges $40 every alternate weekday to “work” at the local lesbian all-day café, I perceive it as a direct affront.
39. Oh, a grand confession nearly took place!
40. In the most appropriate and respectful manner imaginable, may I express: Diana Silvers looks quite dazzling in a sleeveless top.
41. Liam Hemsworth, equally so, I might add.
42. “Come find me when you’re in a better mood” is, without doubt, a remarkably mature and poignant retort.
43. Liam is navigating the streets of Marrakech on a motorcycle, fueled by anger.
44. That’s right, man! Immerse yourself in local sports! Enjoy a local brew! Embrace the camaraderie of local folks! Let go of the worries related to romantic entanglements!
45. When in Morocco and (like Laura at the moment) refusing anything served in a tagine, one is simply a fool.
46. I don’t care how satiated you feel! Take a taste of that harira!
47. I yearn to recline on a float in a Moroccan pool at this very moment.
48. I haven’t experienced a writer’s retreat firsthand; is this the ambiance they typically possess?
49. Liam Hemsworth’s facial hair is perfectly proportionate to this movie, I must commend.
50. Really, Liam? Those in the natural-resource-extraction sector aren’t the friendliest?
51. Oh, he’s an eco-antagonist with a noble heart aligning with West Virginia coal miners. Marvelous :/
52. Laura’s previous marriage with a sculptor reveals so much Meryl-like character coding.
53. This fellow is rather inconsiderate to his girlfriend Diana Silvers, merely attempting to enjoy her journey.
54. “You consistently find ways to ruin what excites me.” A harsh sentiment for a partner! Raise your standards, cisgender heterosexual men.
55. Bravo to Diana for parting ways with him!
56. Laura is attentively listening to their breakup unfold through her wall, indeed?
57. Really, you’re offering to “stay out of her way” without departing so she can genuinely enjoy the retreat? I despise this man! Go frack somewhere!
58. Ooh la la, a tantalizing Laura/Liam shoulder-kiss sequence.
59. “I could fall for a youngster like you”?????? Wow.
60. Liam didn’t appreciate that remark.
61. Hannah Horvath’s partner called her “kid,” and she had no complaints, mate! Though perhaps she ought to have?
62. Liam plans to set out for some “exploration.” Ugh.
63. He invites Laura!
64. Parasailing montage!
65. Oh, others are parasailing. Our romantics are simply hand-in-hand on the shoreline.
66. An intimate scene!
67. A noteworthy one, to put it mildly.
68. Sharing olives? Fantastic.
69. “You realize I adore olives.” He’s already privy to this detail?
70. The specifics of this man’s coal agreement don’t concern me in the slightest.
71. Laura is heading back 🙁
72. Unaccompanied 🙁 🙁
73. Lone Liam by the seaside 🙁 🙁 🙁
74. In truth, I cannot resist a climactic reconnection.
75. I would indeed prefer if Laura Dern’s actual character Katherine Loewe’s surname were pronounced lo-WAY-vey.

If a “Bennifer-ologist” profession indeed exists, I’d presume to be somewhat qualified for such a position. After all, I have penned what must total in the dozens (though it feels like hundreds) of pieces on Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez’s romantic saga over the past few years—and, not without bragging, I acquired a bottle of J.Lo’s signature scent Glow ahead of any of my peers back in 2002.

Yet, in spite of these credentials, when I learned that the beleaguered duo had been spotted sharing kisses and clasping hands during brunch (arguably the most crucial mealtime of heterosexual courtship) at the Polo Lounge of the Beverly Hills Hotel following their recently announced separation, I had to confess…I was baffled. Shall I, or anyone for that matter, ever understand these two?

Truth be told, there’s been a lot of Bennifer drama to keep track of this summer, from Lopez channeling a Nancy Meyers film in the Hamptons, to Affleck’s troubled-yet-handsome single-dad faux-hawk, to Lopez mingling with fellow Affleck ex Jennifer Garner (and Affleck buddy Matt Damon, for that matter). Honestly, as challenging as staying updated can be, I find myself quite fascinated by the sheer lack of narrative uniformity. Who declares you can’t have a makeout session post-divorce? And why not place your kids separately at the Polo Lounge to reignite the spark? (For clarity, I actually support this; what teenager desires to sit with their parents at brunch, even if said parents starred in Gigli?)

People magazine reports that the Affleck-Lopez split proceeds apace, and though it’s risky to suggest that nearly all celebrity gossip is largely fabricated…I must speculate if any of us would truly be aware if the divorce weren’t progressing, “exclusive source” notwithstanding. Whether united or apart, Affleck and Lopez have led their romantic journeys publicly for over twenty years, and it feels like they’re engaging in three-dimensional chess. Is it time to ponder the notion that we are only privy to what these two shrewd celebrity trailblazers allow us to perceive? Or were they merely so swept up in passion for each other that they couldn’t resist igniting the round-three relationship whispers? Regardless, I’m attentive.

Recientemente estaba en Ibiza, en un restaurante de playa, frente a unas vistas del mar color turquesa que es casi doloroso contemplar. ¿Conoces esa sensación cuando te está yendo tan bien que casi te sientes enfadado? Porque es como, ¿por qué no puedo experimentar esto cada segundo de mi vida? Sí, básicamente era así. Y pensé para mí mismo, me encantaría tomar un cóctel ahora. Así que pedí exactamente una margarita de mango picante. Y estaba deliciosa. Justo la cantidad adecuada de dulzor ácido, con un pequeño toque de jalapeño. Me sentí tan satisfecho en ese momento que podría haber simplemente… flotado de mi silla. Simplemente flotado lejos de toda esa satisfacción.

El tipo de consumo mencionado es lo que un amigo mío describió recientemente como “consumo basado en vibraciones”. Es decir, sólo beber cuando las vibraciones son perfectas. Es decir, sólo beber cuando el acto podría mejorar aún más tu ya buen momento (en lugar de ser el evento principal). Esencialmente, no beber por hacerlo, y no muy frecuentemente. Sólo beber cuando las estrellas se alinean, por ejemplo, cuando estás en Ibiza en un restaurante frente a la playa. O en una fiesta de Halloween realmente divertida. O en la víspera de Año Nuevo a medianoche cuando alguien te pasa una copa de champán. Obviamente, el consumo basado en vibraciones no es recomendable si tienes un historial de problemas con el alcohol y necesitas abstenerte. Pero si vas a beber, ¿por qué no hacerlo de una forma consciente, en lugar de hacerlo sin razón alguna?

El tipo de consumo que mantenía en mi adolescencia y a principios o mediados de mis 20 años probablemente era lo opuesto al consumo basado en vibraciones. Bebía si estaba cansado después del trabajo, o si estaba emocionado por algo, o si no tenía nada más que hacer el fin de semana. Bebía si me sentía socialmente ansioso en salidas nocturnas—lo que era siempre—o si quería que algo interesante sucediera, o si estaba aburrido. El alcohol sería la actividad, y el entorno existiría para facilitar esa actividad (¿realmente me hubiera sentado en un bar oscuro en Deptford hasta la hora de cierre de otro modo?) En la segunda mitad de mis 20, me alejé de beber de esta manera. Para ese momento, las resacas dejaron de ser “no tan malas, en realidad”, y cada rincón de mi vida se mejoró cuando reduje drásticamente. Aunque no necesitas que te lo diga—todo el mundo parece estar sobrio o casi sobrio ahora, y todos están cosechando los beneficios.

Hoy en día, bebo aproximadamente una vez cada un par de meses, y solo cuando la ocasión realmente lo amerita (recientemente tomé una cerveza fresca en Croacia y fue como beber del sol, de una manera buena). Pero claramente el consumo basado en vibraciones no es una invención nueva—mucha gente ya lo hace naturalmente. Es lo que algunos podrían llamar “sobrio adyacente”—un término un tanto extraño usado para describir a quienes no son completamente abstemios, pero son más propensos a ir “secos” en una salida nocturna. Otro término que podrías haber visto es “consumo consciente”, que es básicamente beber de una manera razonable (el experto en consumo consciente Derek Brown jura por “las cuatro C” cuando se trata de consumo razonable: celebración, convivialidad, consagración y conocimiento). De nuevo, si tienes un historial de problemas con el alcohol, “razonable” será difícil de medir. Pero si puedes llevar un estilo de vida principalmente sobrio, entonces “razonable” puede ser una buena guía.