Archives April 2023

If such a thing as a “Bennifer-ologist” exists, I’d like to think I’d be vaguely qualified for the role. I have, after all, written what must number in the dozens (but feels more like hundreds) of articles about Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez’s relationship over the past three years—and, not for nothing, I got my hands on a bottle of J.Lo’s signature fragrance Glow before any of my friends did in 2002.

Still, despite all these qualifications, when I heard that the embattled couple had been seen kissing and holding hands during brunch (arguably the most significant meal of heterosexual courtship) at the Beverly Hills Hotel’s Polo Lounge amid their recently announced divorce, I had to admit it…I was stumped. Will I, or anyone else, ever figure these two out?

To be fair, there’s been a lot of Bennifer drama to keep up with this summer, from Lopez getting her Nancy Meyers movie on in the Hamptons, to Affleck’s sad-hot-single-dad faux-hawk, to Lopez queening out with fellow Affleck ex Jennifer Garner (and Affleck bestie Matt Damon, for that matter). And honestly, as difficult as it can be to stay on top it all, I’m sort of obsessed with the lack of narrative coherence. Who says you can’t make out after a divorce? And, for that matter, why not seat your kids separately at the Polo Lounge so you can rekindle the flame? (To be clear, I actually am in support of this; what teen wants to sit with their parents at brunch, even if their parents happen to be the stars of Gigli?)

People magazine claims that the Affleck-Lopez divorce is still moving forward, and at the risk of implying that basically all celebrity gossip is essentially fake…I have to wonder if any of us would really know if the divorce weren’t moving forward, “exclusive source” be damned. Whether together or apart, Affleck and Lopez have been conducting their love lives in public for over two decades now, and I feel like they’re playing three-dimensional chess. Is it time to consider the possibility that we know only what these two crafty celebrity innovators want us to? Or were they simply so overcome with lust for one another that they had no choice but to get the round-three relationship rumors flying? Either way, I’m seated.

I was in Ibiza recently, at a beach restaurant, in front of the sort of turquoise seawater views that are borderline painful to look at. You know when you’re having such a good time that you almost feel angry? Because it’s like, why can’t I experience this every second of my life? Yeah, it was basically like that. And I thought to myself, I would love a cocktail right now. So I ordered exactly one spicy mango margarita. And it was delicious. Just the right amount of tart sweetness, with a little jalapeño kick. I felt so smug in that moment that I could have simply… floated out of my chair. Just floated away from all the smugness.

The aforementioned type of drinking is what a friend of mine recently described as “vibes-based drinking.” As in, only drinking when the vibes are just right. As in, only drinking when the act might further enhance your already good time (as opposed to it being the main event). Essentially, not drinking for the sake of it, and not very often. Only drinking when the stars align, for example when in Ibiza at a beach-front restaurant. Or at a really fun Halloween party. Or on New Year’s Eve at midnight when someone passes you a flute of champagne. Obviously, vibes-based drinking isn’t advisable if you have a history of problematic drinking and need to abstain. But if you’re going to drink, then why not do so in a sort of mindful way, rather than knocking it back for no discernible reason?

The type of drinking I engaged in during my teens and early to mid-20s was probably the opposite of vibes-based drinking. I’d drink if I was tired after work, or if I was excited about something, or if I had nothing else to do at the weekend. I’d drink if I felt socially anxious on nights out—which was always—or if I wanted something interesting to happen, or if I was bored. The alcohol would be the activity, and the environment would exist to facilitate that activity (would I really have sat in a dank bar in Deptford until closing time otherwise?) In the latter half of my 20s, I moved away from drinking like this. By that time, hangovers had ceased to be “not that bad, actually”, and every corner of my life improved when I drastically cut down. Although you don’t need me to tell you that—everyone seems to be sober or sober-ish now, and everyone’s reaping the benefits.

These days, I drink about once every couple of months, and only when the occasion truly calls for it (I had a crisp pint in Croatia recently and it was like sipping on the sun, in a good way). But vibes-based drinking is clearly not a new invention—a lot of people drink that way naturally. It’s what some people might call “sober adjacent”—a slightly strange term used to describe those who aren’t fully teetotal, but are more likely than not to go “dry” on a night out. Another term you might have seen is “mindful drinking”, which is basically drinking in ways that are reasonable (mindful drinking expert Derek Brown swears by “the four Cs” when it comes to reasonable drinking: celebration, conviviality, consecration, and connoisseurship). Again, if you’ve got a history of alcohol issues, “reasonable” will be difficult to measure. But if you’re able to live a mostly sober lifestyle then “reasonable” can be a good rule of thumb.